Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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