My hand turned me down
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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