So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
