He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
