my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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