final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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