Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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