Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
