i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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