so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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