Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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