The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
