just tell him i said nine months
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
