I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I got chris browned last night
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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