What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
