addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
