K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
