she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
