i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
3 2 1 whiskey
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize