Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
