At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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