I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
