Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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