he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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