Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Im just a social blackout drinker.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
