Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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