apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
