seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
