I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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