I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize