he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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