Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
