I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize