my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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