Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
