Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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