At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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