i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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