I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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