I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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