Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
