god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
