I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
