when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
