Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
