one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
