Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
