The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize
