I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
