ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
