mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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