Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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