I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
