If that was your dad, he is hot
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Randomize