Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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