I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
