There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
