Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
