I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
