i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
