I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
