She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I take back everything I said about communal showers
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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