I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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