btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
should my penis look like a turkey
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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