my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
