That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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